


A Monologue To Phil

by straightoutofthekitchencupboard



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-13
Updated: 2016-03-13
Packaged: 2018-05-26 11:38:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6237091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/straightoutofthekitchencupboard/pseuds/straightoutofthekitchencupboard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ages: Dan- 17, Phil- 20</p><p>Summary: Dan pours his heart out to Phil in the comfort of a blanket fort lit by fairy lights and the orange glow of the afternoon sun.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Monologue To Phil

"Sometimes I just don't know what I'm doing." Dan mumbled, turning over so that his head was in Phil's lap and he was looking up at the beautiful man. 

They were sat in a fortress of blankets, pillows and fairy lights. It didn't matter where they were outside of the blanket walls that hung down around them, fairy lights seemingly woven into the light fabric. Soft blanket and pillows lay beneath and around them, cocooning the two in an orange afternoon glow against the white sheets. Phil had an arm draped across Dan's collars, staring down at the younger boy fondly. He didn't say anything to Dan. This place was for Dan to talk and feel Phil's comfort. 

"I'm sorry for dragging you in here just to rant and moan." Dan apologised, fixing his fringe absentmindedly but then leaving his hand rested on top of his head. "But it's so warm here and I need a rant." He stared around the soft white walls while he thought about how to phrase what he wanted to say. It seemed that when he had dragged Phil in there he had a thousand things to say but now that he was there he had lost what he was going to say.

"Like I keep making all these crazy plans and coming up with things I want to do in the future but I never follow through with any of it." He began, his mind racing but his tongue dry. "I know I'm only seventeen but I turn eighteen this year and then I only have one year left of sixth form and then that's it. I'm a fully fledged adult and I have to sort my shit out."

Dan turned back onto his side so that he was snuggled into Phil's stomach. He rested a hand on Phil's waist as he closed his eyes and began to pour his heart out even further. "I'm so lost. I don't know what I want to do and every time I think of something I get all excited. Only to realise that it's unrealistic. It's all just dreams, Phil and I need to stop dreaming up all of these things."

Dan could feel the sunshine heating up his back and he could feel Phil's hand on his lower back, rubbing small circles into the smooth skin there. "And even if these dreams could come true, I'm too lazy to actually put them into action. I've tried, Phil, I really have tried but I keep giving up. I tried making the YouTube videos like you do but I made four before I ran out of things to say. And it's been a month and I can't think of a single video idea." He let out a small sigh.

"I decided to start getting healthier but I'm too lazy to exercise and I gave up studying after three days and drinking all that water was making me pee too much at school and-" Dan took a moment to stop and breath, letting his body relax against Phil's. "I've stopped writing." Dan liked to write. It was his favourite thing to do. To create worlds and have things go exactly the way he wanted. He also liked to release his emotions through writing and he loved it. But he hadn't written in roughly two months and he felt off. Like he didn't have much purpose without it.

"I'm supposed to be a write, Phil. How can I call myself a writer when I don't write anymore? It's a joke." Dan took a moment to let out an unsteady breath. He turned back onto his back so that he could look up at Phil who was smiling softly down at him. "And I gave up trying to learn piano. I'm no good at it." He closed his eyes so that he wouldn't have to look at Phil.

Phil had been encouraging him to play piano and he felt as if he had let him down for not continuing. "I was going to run to be Head Boy next year. So I had something to do. So I could actually make a contribution at school. But I'm too scared to actually apply for it. What if no one takes me seriously? People never take me seriously at school. I always come off ditsy or like a kid."

"Although to be quite honest, I don't blame people for thinking I act like a kid. I do quite a lot." Dan looked up at the fairy lights hanging against the blankets and began to trace his fingertips across the thin sheet hanging next to him and blocking off the rest of the world. Everything was warm within the blankets and he was thankful for that. 

He watched his fingers dancing across the soft fabric while he continued to speak. "I just want to impress my teachers. I want them to see that I'm intelligent and want to learn and that I'm actually interested but I just end up coming across as quite childish. That's probably why my teacher's prefer to talk to the 'popular' people. Them lot talk about their jobs and home lives."

"That's another thing. People I know keep talking about getting jobs and I wish I could but I just don't want to. What if an event comes up on a day when I have to work? I don't want to miss out just to get money. What's the point in getting lots of money so I can go to events if I miss them all because I have to work?" Dan let out a huff of frustration. "I just wish I was a kid again sometimes."

He took a minute to just look at the lights and think things through in his head. "What if it doesn't work out?" Dan suddenly asked as his mouth caught up with his racing thoughts. "All these things I have planned, what if something goes wrong? I won't know what to do." He stopped again. As if he was done talking but one look at his eyes and Phil knew otherwise. There was more to work through and Dan was trying to select what to say carefully. 

In his head he wanted to tell Phil how he wished he could just move in with him when he finishes school. Tell him he wished that he could move to London where Phil lived and spend all of his time up there. But he didn't want to sound desperate. He didn't want Phil to think less of him for it. He also had to push all the thoughts of how he wished Phil gave him more attention away. Often he wished Phil would initiate conversation rather than just replying when Dan asked a question.

But he didn't want to seem weird or guilt Phil into doing it. He figured that Phil would initiate conversations if he was ready to. He turned to look up at the man once again. "I miss you when you're not here." Dan admitted in a whisper. "I know I have other friends but sometimes I feel lonely even when I'm surrounded by people. And I can be quite mean to my friends. I don't know why I do it but I end up pushing people away by being mean or annoying. Sometimes I wonder why you put up with me."

Dan shook his head, smiling sadly up at his best friend. "But I do miss you a lot and I feel lonely a lot. But I think that's because I don't enjoy being around people. I don't see you very often. Maybe that's why I like you so much. It's so fucked up and I'm not sure what's wrong with me but I just don't really like talking to the people that I see every day."

"I don't know, I'm being stupid. I think I'm done for the day." He said, smiling up at Phil. He didn't want this time to end. Feeling the sun hitting his cheeks and the warmth enveloping him. Phil's hand on his waist and his head on the older boy's lap. He reached up to tuck a strand of hair behind Phil's ear before letting his hand rest on the older boy's shoulder.

He closed his eyes and let his mind go blank for a moment. He just felt the warmth and the love that he always felt when he spoke to Phil. And then he opened his eyes to look at Phil a moment longer. "I love you, I'll talk to you again soon, Dan." He finished by pressing a gentle kiss to Phil's cheek.

Then it was over. There was just Dan sat on his cold bed with no lights and no orange glow from the late afternoon sun. There was no warmth and no love. It was just Dan. Alone. A piece of paper and a pen sat on the bed in front of him, his thoughts and feeling poured out onto the page. His laptop sat next to him on the bed, a video of Phil's open and paused. A smiling Phil looked out of the screen, his eyes bright and comforting.

Dan took the piece of paper from his bed and folded it over. On one side he wrote Dear Phil - Number Fifteen - 12th March 2016 and added it to the pile of letters he kept in a box next to his bed. He had met Phil at various meet ups and events and had taken to writing him letters. Phil seemed to like them but all Dan ever got was a couple of tweets and a wide smile whenever he handed over the next set of letters. He wished Phil was his friend but he had 400,000 subscribers and Dan knew it was unlikely.

Yet he continued to write letters. Because every time he wrote to him it was just him and Phil in their blanket fort filled with warmth and love. It didn't matter if Phil wasn't his friend. It didn't matter if Phil lived ages away, he was always there whenever Dan was writing.

And Dan loved feeling the warmth and love he felt whenever he wrote to Phil. Even if it only lasted for a little while. It meant the world to him. 

Phil meant everything to him.

And that kept him happy for just a little while longer.

**Author's Note:**

> I have given you a piece of my heart, please don't hurt it  
> Thank you x


End file.
